God Loves Me

God's love is a mysterious and awesome gift.

Several months ago Ryan's and my paths crossed with someone, a renter who sought to ruin us. His deceits were manifold. He stole. He destroyed; then disappeared.

I had no idea. Literally, I did not know.

I was completely oblivious for five months. Why didn't I know? Because I was wallowing in self pity. I was bemoaning my inevitable C-Section. I was grieving the violation of my desire to have my natural birth. Oh. . .how. . .selfish. Ryan in his loving-kindness took great effort to protect me from the worry, stress and anguish caused by our renter's evil plot. Ryan couldn't calm my raging hormones, he couldn't take my place in the operating room, but he could hide the ugly, emerging disaster from me. And he did, until the time was right to tell me.

When he explained the details of our renter's misdeeds some five months later, I cycled through an array of emotions in quick succession. Seething with vengeance, I began hurling recommendations at Ryan. We should go to court! We should make threats! We should file for arrest warrants (can you even do that?)!

Ryan listened empathetically. Then, with calm and gentleness, Ryan explained how God's Spirit had led him to decide to do. . .nothing. We would ultimately forgive and move on. We would not pursue earthly justice for the wrong done to us. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Romans 12:19

At first, I was inappropriate in my karmic sense that this weasel would get what he deserves. I relegated him to the list of losers who will live out the rest of his life in misery. He who returns evil for good, evil will not depart from his house. Proverbs 17:13

But, God did not lead me blindly through the previous five months just to leave me here, welling with juvenile pride at having God on my side, squashing my enemy. No, He had a bigger, more beautiful blessing for me.

After hearing the detailed account of how Ryan worked furiously to restore what was destroyed, how friends and family rallied to help so generously, how Ryan prayed for months seeking answers, guidance and peace, I felt a giant wave of love wash over me. The depth of Ryan's love amazed me. How can it be that Ryan loves me so selflessly, so fiercely? How did I ever deserve his wonderful love, especially when I am not very lovable?

That night, I laid awake pondering my worth at being so richly blessed with such a husband that loves me more than his own life. I arrived at the overwhelming conclusion that God is so very good and He loves me so very much. God was showing me, See, Adele, how Ryan loves you? This is how much I love you, and more. I came to understand that it was no accident that our peaceful little family had connected with such a terrible person. It was through this event that God demonstrated His love for me in a distinct way that I could not ignore. Almost immediately I was relieved of my anger toward our renter. Because my mind was not consumed with getting even, it was available for the Holy Spirit to minister to me. I felt God loving me, through Ryan, with His whole heart. I felt God loving me, His self-absorbed, immature little girl just because I am His. He loves me whether or not I acknowledge it. He loves me without condemnation. He loves me during my bratty moments. When I come running back into His arms, He does not roll His eyes and think, Took you long enough. He holds me, full of joy that I was finally able to experience His love that never stops pouring over me.

I am thankful for you, JW, for without your evil plot, I might have missed God's blessing of a deeper intimacy with my loving husband, and God's biggest blessing of all, His love. Though they intended evil against you and devised a plot, they will not succeed. Psalm 21:11