Monday, September 16, 2013

Assurance


Three weeks ago, Ryan's Dad died. Eighteen months ago Ryan's Grandfather died. Two nights ago, Ryan received a beautiful gift in a dream. The following account is in his own words.

My Dream

We gathered in a mansion, we knew to belong to Mom. The mansion was modern and open, with sharp angles, and highly architectural. Mom, Kristi, Adele, and I sat in a living room on green couches, while waiting for guests to arrive. Kristi explained the house smelled faintly of smoke and was too cold. Mom explained her method for saving money on air conditioning.

As guests arrived and the general hum of conversation began to emerge from elsewhere in the house, I noticed a utility room in the back of the house. The utility room had four sinks of different sizes and the room itself was sunken a whole step. The room was flooded with water, but the water was not rising anymore. Stressed about needing to fix the problem, I was pleased to discover an easy solution and the waters began to recede quickly down various drains. I stepped down into the utility room and heard Kristi call from the hallway in a singsong voice, “Look who’s here.” She ushered Grandpa Bisel forward into the doorway, at his side was a woman. Amazed, I grasped him slowly with hands on either of his shoulders. “You’re here.” I said. “That cannot be. I must be dreaming.” Then, I held out my own hand and clasped it saying, “Ryan, wake up!” Grandpa smiled quietly as I turned back to him. I hugged him, now knowing the interaction was “real.” I understood immediately he delighted in my embrace. He also said, “I am proud of you.” He spoke slowly and with great compassion. He also mentioned a trip I once took to Seattle—I was unclear about his meaning, but held him tightly with my hands just the same.

Meanwhile, I was aware of Mom conversing in the hallway outside of my view (perhaps with Kristi) that this was my opportunity with the special visitors and to not bother us and keep others away for the time being.

Somehow, I found myself behind the house facing west into a low, but warm sun. The yard was a steep decline, and lush with green grass. Dad appeared from the shine of the low sun. “It’s you!” I said. And again, I grasped him by the shoulders almost wringing his shoulder muscles to confirm his realness. He smiled warmly. We hugged and he ushered me with a gesture to sit with him on the grass. I never released him from my grip. We smiled at each other. He exuded peace. He spoke slowly through a big smile. “[I want you to] Keep doin’ what you’re doin’,” he said with a nod to finish. “I also want to assure you I made it,” he said slowly. As he spoke, I saw in his right pupil, the silhouette of a human figure clothed in light. “You just can’t know [what people are going through]” he said. Then, he told a story about a friend, who he admired, who went to Bible classes frequently. Perhaps he meant that he went too, or was contrasting the behavior with his own? He explained that one day he made up his mind about Jesus quietly and privately when no one was around.

As he finished explaining this last part, a cow came close to us, grazing as she went. Her nose brought us to our feet. Friends from the party were gathering in the front of the house in preparations for a picture to be taken of grandchildren among a great garden that had spontaneously sprung along the east side. The garden emerged from the same beautiful grass. Decorative trees, lush ferns, beanstalks, and berry shrubs were neatly sprouting. A bench was among them and Phoebe and Moses were with a caretaker, being settled for the picture. As I walked around back of the bench, I realized Dad and Grandpa left the gathering.

Monday, January 7, 2013

God Loves Me

God's love is a mysterious and awesome gift.

Several months ago Ryan's and my paths crossed with someone, a renter who sought to ruin us. His deceits were manifold. He stole. He destroyed; then disappeared.

I had no idea. Literally, I did not know.

I was completely oblivious for five months. Why didn't I know? Because I was wallowing in self pity. I was bemoaning my inevitable C-Section. I was grieving the violation of my desire to have my natural birth. Oh. . .how. . .selfish. Ryan in his loving-kindness took great effort to protect me from the worry, stress and anguish caused by our renter's evil plot. Ryan couldn't calm my raging hormones, he couldn't take my place in the operating room, but he could hide the ugly, emerging disaster from me. And he did, until the time was right to tell me.

When he explained the details of our renter's misdeeds some five months later, I cycled through an array of emotions in quick succession. Seething with vengeance, I began hurling recommendations at Ryan. We should go to court! We should make threats! We should file for arrest warrants (can you even do that?)!

Ryan listened empathetically. Then, with calm and gentleness, Ryan explained how God's Spirit had led him to decide to do. . .nothing. We would ultimately forgive and move on. We would not pursue earthly justice for the wrong done to us. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay," says the Lord. Romans 12:19

At first, I was inappropriate in my karmic sense that this weasel would get what he deserves. I relegated him to the list of losers who will live out the rest of his life in misery. He who returns evil for good, evil will not depart from his house. Proverbs 17:13

But, God did not lead me blindly through the previous five months just to leave me here, welling with juvenile pride at having God on my side, squashing my enemy. No, He had a bigger, more beautiful blessing for me.

After hearing the detailed account of how Ryan worked furiously to restore what was destroyed, how friends and family rallied to help so generously, how Ryan prayed for months seeking answers, guidance and peace, I felt a giant wave of love wash over me. The depth of Ryan's love amazed me. How can it be that Ryan loves me so selflessly, so fiercely? How did I ever deserve his wonderful love, especially when I am not very lovable?

That night, I laid awake pondering my worth at being so richly blessed with such a husband that loves me more than his own life. I arrived at the overwhelming conclusion that God is so very good and He loves me so very much. God was showing me, See, Adele, how Ryan loves you? This is how much I love you, and more. I came to understand that it was no accident that our peaceful little family had connected with such a terrible person. It was through this event that God demonstrated His love for me in a distinct way that I could not ignore. Almost immediately I was relieved of my anger toward our renter. Because my mind was not consumed with getting even, it was available for the Holy Spirit to minister to me. I felt God loving me, through Ryan, with His whole heart. I felt God loving me, His self-absorbed, immature little girl just because I am His. He loves me whether or not I acknowledge it. He loves me without condemnation. He loves me during my bratty moments. When I come running back into His arms, He does not roll His eyes and think, Took you long enough. He holds me, full of joy that I was finally able to experience His love that never stops pouring over me.

I am thankful for you, JW, for without your evil plot, I might have missed God's blessing of a deeper intimacy with my loving husband, and God's biggest blessing of all, His love. Though they intended evil against you and devised a plot, they will not succeed. Psalm 21:11

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sweet Potatoes

Last night I dreamed that I was looking out over my back yard during a welcome rainstorm. I noticed the sky was raining large sweet potatoes, but didn't find this to be odd. Instead I excitedly thought of all the delicious creations we would be able to make after harvest. I thought of the surplus of sweet potatoes the region would preserve for upcoming Thanksgiving feasts. These sweet potatoes were a blessing!

As I stepped outside to collect sweet potatoes I noticed two things. First, the sweet potatoes fell only in my yard, all other lawns were merely rain-soaked. Second, I saw that the perimeter of my yard was guarded by dozens of supernatural beings, all donning dirty, worn jeans and dingy work shirts, yet they all glowed with a beautiful radiance. Without a word, they began bringing in sweet potatoes from the edges of the yard working toward my house. I finally approached one worker and asked his name. He told me his name and, to my surprise, he told me mine. I don't remember what he said, but he spoke with such kindness and sincerity that I do remember the feeling of complete peace.

I realized that God had intended this sweet potato blessing specifically for me, that He was protecting this blessing for me, and had even sent help for me to receive this blessing.

Thank you, Lord, for the reminder of your ever-present provision in my life and letting me see the sweetness of your goodness and blessings. Thank you for all my sweet potatoes!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Baby Eve

Today is "Baby Eve." Tomorrow we will have our precious baby boy. He is a beautiful gift from God.

Do you ever have the sense God is trying to get your attention? I have spent too many precious minutes in anxiety over this upcoming C-Section. God keeps redirecting me to these two scriptures:
Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. 
Isaiah 41:10
. . .Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous. . .  
Joshua 1:5-6
I can take a hint, albeit sometimes slowly. God has asked something important of me, something He is capable handling for me. I am willing and excited to experience my baby's delivery into this world.

God is with me. He will help me. He will not fail me. I will be strong and very courageous!

Think About Good Stuff

We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ,  2 Corinthians 10:5


By nature I am a pessimist. My mind frequently plays out the worst case scenario. I worry, speculate, fear and then find myself overwhelmed with anxiety.

A wise mentor spoke these words which stuck with me: "If your mind is filled with negative thoughts, ask yourself, are these thoughts from God or from the enemy? Thoughts that get us down or cause us to think badly of ourselves are not of God. God speaks words of life to us, while the enemy speaks words of death. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy. Choose to believe the truth of God's words."

Recently I was challenged to commit more scripture to memory. Always a good idea, but one I had neglected for a very long time. I picked this verse:
Finally, bretheren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellenceand if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
Philippians 4:8
This verse encourages me to put out of my mind the "words of death" that come only from the enemy and serve only to rob me of enjoying the abundant life God promises to those who seek Him. I have succeeded in memorizing this verse. But I realized that my tendency is to lump these eight thought categories into one. Summed up this verse basically meant to me, "think about good stuff." Surely God has more for me than just vague good thoughts. So I consulted a dictionary to give me a clearer understanding of each of these virtues I am to dwell on.

  • True: reliable; certain; exact; accurate; right; correct; conforming to the ideal character; honest; virtuous
  • Honorable: worthy of high regard or great respect; noble; having or showing a sense of right and wrong; having integrity; upright
  • Right: in accordance with morality; upright; virtuous; correct in thought, statement, or action; true
  • Pure: free of any contamination; wholesome
  • Lovely: beautiful; delightful
  • Good Repute: the state of being highly thought of; high regard; renown; distinction; prestige
  • Excellence: the quality of being outstanding or extremely good; superiority; brilliance; greatness
  • Praiseworthy: deserving approval and admiration; commendable
If this is where I focus my thoughts, how will there be room for anything else? Exactly. As I discipline myself to dwell on the beautiful things of God, my heart will begin to push out the enemy's "words of death." No longer will my mind and heart be set on worry, fear, anxiety, speculation, selfishness, ugliness, bitterness, guilt, shame. The Philippians passage continues:
The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. 
Philippians 4:9 
What a promise! Now I must go practice!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Be Glorified

"Father, glorify Your name." Then a voice came out of heaven: "I have both glorified it, and will glorify it again."

John 12:28

Monday, June 4, 2012

Plans

The mind of man plans his way but the LORD directs his steps.  Proverbs 16:9

I am expecting my second baby, a boy, due in 2 1/2 months. After my daughter's otherwise "normal" hospital delivery two years ago, I decided I wanted something different.

I made new plans to receive my pre-natal care and deliver my baby boy with midwives, outside of the hospital setting, without needles, with the freedom to deliver how I wanted. I planned to hold my little baby before anyone else could whisk him away. I planned to take him home on his birthday and be at peace, alone with my family. I planned to wear what was comfortable. I planned to recover quickly without being poked and prodded every couple of hours by nurses.

My plans have been changed against my will. I have placenta previa, a condition which necessitates delivery by Caesarean Section. My new plans now include needles and IVs in my arms and back, wearing a sterile hospital gown and cap, not being able to view my baby's birth, being imprisoned in my own body unable to move from the waist down, spending days in a hospital bed with nurses poking and prodding me, enduring a long and painful recovery, living with a hideous scar--a reminder of how my baby was not supposed to be born.

I spent yesterday processing this news and by nighttime my emotions had spiraled into great sadness, anger and confusion. As I do quite regularly now (thanks to my overwhelming pregnancy hormones), I cried, no, I sobbed to Ryan unloading a tidal wave of emotions on him.

I tried to reason away this condition: I had taken great care of my body, preparing a safe place for this baby and preparing for a "marathon" of labor and delivery. Why had my body "failed" me despite my conscientious efforts to maintain near-perfect health? I questioned whether God was trying to teach me a lesson or even punishing me for a prideful heart. I lamented having to mourn loss of my expectations. I worried that I would struggle to find joy in the day of my son's birth. I was concerned whether I would be robbed of opportunity to bond immediately with him, or worse, would I not love him enough? I concluded my pity party with the assertion that I am not strong enough to handle this. I am not strong physically, emotionally or spiritually.

Ryan listened. He didn't rebuke me, belittle my ridiculous thoughts or chastise me for my disproportionate reaction to the situation. In my right mind, I know to be thankful for our healthy baby and for modern medicine that can both detect this condition and prepare for a safe operation to protect Mommy and baby. Somehow, Ryan knew this common sense wasn't what I needed to hear. Instead, here's what he shared with me, paraphrased:
God is not trying to teach us a lesson or punish you. God has a plan for our baby and it includes his arrival into this world by C-section. And I believe He is going to do great things in our baby's life. Our family will be together for eternity. When we're all united at the judgment seat of Christ you will no longer care how he was born. In fact, your son will love you so much because you raised him to know and love God. And he will know that you loved him so much to go through surgery to protect him. You are a very strong person. You are strong physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I love you more than anything, and I will love you your whole life. Do you love me? (I answered yes). And I will love your scar. I will see it as very beautiful because it is a part of you, a symbol of your sacrifice for our baby. God has been doing a good work in me, preparing my heart to love you more and find you more beautiful every day.

Oh, how I love that man! He gently helped move my heart from fear and anxiety toward feelings of peace and calm, feelings I was refusing to accept.

Today I have a brighter outlook on my upcoming surgery. In the coming weeks, I expect moments of panic or doubt about baby's birthday, and I want to be able to look back on these words of encouragement from my dear hubby, my gift from God. I will choose to find joy in every circumstance and delight in my baby boy, no matter the conditions of his arrival. I will take pride in the honorable role given to me as his Mommy and do what I must to bring him into our family.

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29: 11-13