I am expecting my second baby, a boy, due in 2 1/2 months. After my daughter's otherwise "normal" hospital delivery two years ago, I decided I wanted something different.
I made new plans to receive my pre-natal care and deliver my baby boy with midwives, outside of the hospital setting, without needles, with the freedom to deliver how I wanted. I planned to hold my little baby before anyone else could whisk him away. I planned to take him home on his birthday and be at peace, alone with my family. I planned to wear what was comfortable. I planned to recover quickly without being poked and prodded every couple of hours by nurses.
My plans have been changed against my will. I have placenta previa, a condition which necessitates delivery by Caesarean Section. My new plans now include needles and IVs in my arms and back, wearing a sterile hospital gown and cap, not being able to view my baby's birth, being imprisoned in my own body unable to move from the waist down, spending days in a hospital bed with nurses poking and prodding me, enduring a long and painful recovery, living with a hideous scar--a reminder of how my baby was not supposed to be born.
I spent yesterday processing this news and by nighttime my emotions had spiraled into great sadness, anger and confusion. As I do quite regularly now (thanks to my overwhelming pregnancy hormones), I cried, no, I sobbed to Ryan unloading a tidal wave of emotions on him.
I tried to reason away this condition: I had taken great care of my body, preparing a safe place for this baby and preparing for a "marathon" of labor and delivery. Why had my body "failed" me despite my conscientious efforts to maintain near-perfect health? I questioned whether God was trying to teach me a lesson or even punishing me for a prideful heart. I lamented having to mourn loss of my expectations. I worried that I would struggle to find joy in the day of my son's birth. I was concerned whether I would be robbed of opportunity to bond immediately with him, or worse, would I not love him enough? I concluded my pity party with the assertion that I am not strong enough to handle this. I am not strong physically, emotionally or spiritually.
Ryan listened. He didn't rebuke me, belittle my ridiculous thoughts or chastise me for my disproportionate reaction to the situation. In my right mind, I know to be thankful for our healthy baby and for modern medicine that can both detect this condition and prepare for a safe operation to protect Mommy and baby. Somehow, Ryan knew this common sense wasn't what I needed to hear. Instead, here's what he shared with me, paraphrased:
God is not trying to teach us a lesson or punish you. God has a plan for our baby and it includes his arrival into this world by C-section. And I believe He is going to do great things in our baby's life. Our family will be together for eternity. When we're all united at the judgment seat of Christ you will no longer care how he was born. In fact, your son will love you so much because you raised him to know and love God. And he will know that you loved him so much to go through surgery to protect him. You are a very strong person. You are strong physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I love you more than anything, and I will love you your whole life. Do you love me? (I answered yes). And I will love your scar. I will see it as very beautiful because it is a part of you, a symbol of your sacrifice for our baby. God has been doing a good work in me, preparing my heart to love you more and find you more beautiful every day.
Oh, how I love that man! He gently helped move my heart from fear and anxiety toward feelings of peace and calm, feelings I was refusing to accept.
Today I have a brighter outlook on my upcoming surgery. In the coming weeks, I expect moments of panic or doubt about baby's birthday, and I want to be able to look back on these words of encouragement from my dear hubby, my gift from God. I will choose to find joy in every circumstance and delight in my baby boy, no matter the conditions of his arrival. I will take pride in the honorable role given to me as his Mommy and do what I must to bring him into our family.
"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29: 11-13
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